In those moments of life when I needed someone the most, there was no one by my side. This led me to build myself in a way that I no longer feel the need for anyone. Asking for help has never felt right to me; I prefer handling everything on my own. In a way, it’s a blessing because you can’t always rely on others to be there for you.
From a young age, I’ve learned the ways of this unfamiliar world on my own. Being the eldest, I looked after my younger siblings, taught them, and guided them. But has anyone ever asked me where I learned it all? People might assume it was my mother, but she has always been busy with work. Her attention was never fully mine, so I learned everything on my own.
I remember an incident from my childhood when someone compared my sisters and me, saying one was more lovable than the other. That comparison distanced me not just from people but also from myself. Gradually, I found solace in books. Books became my companions—a world where I was the queen, the protagonist. Unlike a mirror, which reflects what I know about myself, books revealed parts of me I hadn’t discovered yet.
I remained oblivious to the world around me, focusing entirely on my studies. I believed academic excellence would earn me love and appreciation, especially from my parents. But perhaps I was mistaken. Instead, my achievements raised their expectations. I have been living up to those expectations, the kind parents usually place on their children.
I remained oblivious to the world around me, focusing entirely on my studies. I believed academic excellence would earn me love and appreciation, especially from my parents. But perhaps I was mistaken. Instead, my achievements raised their expectations. I have been living up to those expectations, the kind parents usually place on their children.
Soon, a pressure emerged in my life—to always stay at the top. This pressure turned into an obsession. My sole purpose became excelling in my studies. Unlike other girls, I never cared for dressing up or making friends. Staying up late to study is something I have always enjoyed and continue to do even now.
While others spent their vacations traveling or playing, I would isolate myself in my room, writing autobiographies or doing summer vacation homework for my siblings. This is how my love for coloring and writing developed.
Looking back, here are some lessons and realizations I’ve gathered:
Purposeful passion matters
If my passion for studies had stemmed from a desire to achieve personal success, its intensity would have been far greater. But this obsession was driven by a need for appreciation, which limited its depth.
Letting go of small grievances is liberating
Sometimes, it’s better to forget small things. Holding onto them weighs heavily on the heart.
Books are unparalleled companions
Reading might seem challenging at first, but once it becomes a habit, life feels incomplete without books.
Hardships often carry hidden blessings
We may label certain events as unfortunate and blame our fate, but life has its way of revealing greater truths in time. Never consider yourself inferior to anyone—not in beauty, intellect, or anything else.
Even today, if someone tells me I am beautiful, I struggle to believe it. Accepting such compliments feels foreign because my heart had decided long ago that I wasn’t. This is why even the truth feels like a lie now.
I excelled in academics partly because I felt that if I wasn’t beautiful, at least I could be "beautiful" in my achievements. Ironically, this mindset took away my confidence for life.
That’s why it’s crucial for everyone to acknowledge their uniqueness. You are incomparable; there’s no one else like you. Embrace that uniqueness and nurture it—whether through education, hard work, or achieving the vision you have for yourself.
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